Book Review: The Wedding Dress by Rachel Hauck

As I've mentioned, one of my self care things is reading. I've decided I would share with you all when I read a book and what I think of it. You should know, I love me some romance and all the gushy cheesy stuff. It's not all I read but it's a favorite and it's where my heart is right now with my personal reading.

Available on Amazon starting at $8

So I just finished this book. I checked it out at my local library. I had recently been thinking about a series I read a while back that was a modern novel series centered around romance and weddings and was looking for something similar.

Overall, I liked it. The story moves between present day and shortly after the turn of the century in the southern United States. I felt like Hauck did a good job (for the most part) of keeping these stories straight and also intertwining them. I loved the elements of historical fiction and drama. The romance was pretty predictable and I feel like anyone could have figured out the ending by about two thirds in, but sometimes that's what you're looking for in a romance novel. I know I do.

One thing I wasn't anticipating was the focus on faith and God within this book. When I picked it up at the library, I couldn't find anything in the description provided that would lead me to believe faith was such a central focus of the story. One of the characters is even eluded to be God or his messenger or something. It's probably my fault for not paying closer attention when I was picking out a book to read, but when you aren't expecting this aspect of the story it's pretty assaulting.

Even so, I found myself enthralled by the end. It was exactly the sort of fluffy, cheesy, romantic goodness I was looking for. The spiritual aspects sometimes had me rolling my eyes because they were just as cheesy, but overall it was very enjoyable. It's not the sort of story that makes you think or gives you great pause; it's just a happy-ending love story.

What sort of books do you like to read? Any romance recommendations for me? Or even just recommendations in general?

Poop Happens

Source: https://i.imgflip.com/w2prd.jpg

So funny new parent story time. When we first brought JJ home from the hospital, I quickly learned that red meat causes him to get really gassy and constipated. Unfortunately, to learn this meant eating red meat and him being super gassy and constipated. In the hospital, every meal they gave me was red meat (my own fault).

He passed the meconium stage within our time in the hospital, but then he didn't poop again for days. As new parents, this had us freaking out. I knew from things I had read online (I am an over-googler) that it's nothing to worry about until your little one hasn't gone poop for a week. Still, we were pretty concerned as it had been a couple days.

I myself was having some issues with constipation after I got home from the hospital and was nervous about going because of my stitches. I was taking a stool softener, but nothing was happening. I decided to try something that always worked for me before having a baby.

I got one of those Starbucks refrigerator frappuccino things and downed it as fast as I could. Not thinking, I breastfed JJ later that day as well. Rusty and I quickly learned that this was the solution to our little constipated bundle.

JJ suddenly was super fussy and freaking out. Rusty was going to do some skin to skin while I got ready to feed him again. With his shirt off and JJ down to a diaper, Rusty went to put JJ to his chest. He describes what happened next as follows:

"I started hearing him fart. I went to look what the problem was and turned him around slowly. I was holding him with his butt facing me and saw it start gushing out his diaper up his back. I started freaking out and could only say help over and over again. I think I got poop on me." (He definitely did.)

Me after laughing the whole time because, let's be real, it's funny.
source: https://media1.giphy.com/media/3o7aTIkzjTnuJ5ncfS/200w.webp

Rusty quickly went into the nursery where we had a changing table set up and set him down to start changing him at my suggestion. This caused the mess to only leak all over the changing pad. I was absolutely no help unfortunately. I grabbed a new diaper and Rusty got our baby cleaned up and in a new diaper as quickly as he could. JJ then promptly filled that diaper to bursting as well.

After filling two diapers and getting him changed into a third, he seemed much more content. That was four days of poop in his little bitty body coming out all at once. As new parents, we were complete noobs and didn't know what we were doing. We had to clean the changing table with bleach because it was so covered with his mess. We were able to immediately laugh at our complete lack of skill and now it's one of my favorite new parents stories to tell. It was an eventful first blowout experience. I don't know that we really handle blowouts with any less chaos three months later but at least we can still laugh at ourselves.

After all, poop happens.

Our most recent blow-out experience. JJ only poops on his daddy ;)

Oatmeal Overdose

Throughout my journey exclusively pumping for my baby, I tried a lot of the tricks to see if they would help with my supply. Of course, the basics of eating enough carbs and calories throughout the day as well as drinking enough water to float a boat were crucial, but in addition to these tips I found that eating at least one serving of oatmeal every day helped me to maintain my supply and increase it by at least an ounce every day until my milk dried.

I need you to know, though, I am absolutely not a fan of oatmeal. I haven't liked any hot cereal since I was a little kid. So I tried everything I could think of to make eating oatmeal everyday a little bit easier.

I started out just eating instant oatmeal packets. I would have one packet of maple brown sugar instant oatmeal every night after my last pumping session before I went to bed. That stuff is like eating wall paper paste. It gets the job done, but it really is probably my least favorite way to consume oatmeal.

After I ran out of packets of instant, I decided to try my hand at cooking oats on the stove as opposed to microwaving it. I bought that big tube of Quaker rolled oats at the grocery store. I looked on Pinterest to see if I would be able to find some way to make my own maple brown sugar oatmeal because that was the flavor I was familiar with. I found that making it on the stove was not only way easier than I thought it would be, it was weirdly much more tolerable than the microwave stuff. To make oatmeal on the stove, you simply use twice as much liquid as you do oatmeal. I prefer to make my oatmeal with milk because its a creamier consistency. I flavored my oatmeal with a couple tablespoons of brown sugar and a teaspoon of cinnamon at first. That was a pretty standard flavor. Then I got a little crazy and tried some different things. I mixed in scoops of peanut butter and chocolate chips, caramel chips, dried cranberries or cherries and chopped pecans, candied nuts, and maple syrup. I even tried a savory oatmeal one night. I seasoned my oatmeal with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Then, when it was done I mixed in shredded cheddar cheese and topped it with a fried egg. It was pretty good, but it was definitely different.

I also made a double batch of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies to try and get the job done. This worked but it turned out to be a double edged sword because as much as I liked them, my husband liked them too so they didn't last nearly as long as I would have liked. I followed the recipe for oatmeal cookies in the Better Homes and Garden red-checkered cookbook. This book is like the cooking Bible in my family. It is our go-to when we're looking for a simple, basic recipe. The recipe for oatmeal cookies is a simple recipe, but it's so good and it gets the job done. I've included a picture of the recipe below.

Here is a link to the same recipe online

Before getting too deep in the Pinterest recipe hole, I tried just putting oatmeal into different parts of my every day. I ate granola bars with oatmeal for a few days, but I found I had to eat at least two granola bars in one sitting for this to be effective. I also used oatmeal as a topping for yogurt. Each month, I get a carton of vanilla Yoplait and mix in some fresh raspberries. I find that this is a cheaper way for me to get yogurt and it's tasty. It's also probably better for me than the individual containers I buy because I tend to get light yogurt when I buy them individually. That stuff is secretly no bueno, guys. Anyways, I would cut up half a banana in a bowl and then put in my desired amount of my yogurt. Then, I would pour the dry rolled oats over the top to cover. After mixing it all together, the mixture was a lot thicker than it started out, but it was like eating a modified parfait. It's good enough and simple enough that it's something I continue to do.

The first hot stretch of the summer, I was absolutely miserable trying to eat a hot bowl of oatmeal so I started to get even more creative. The first colder oatmeal dish I tried was oatmeal energy bites. I read several recipes on the internet and then made up my own. I mashed a whole banana and mixed that with a cup of oatmeal. Then I mixed in a couple scoops of peanut butter, some mini chocolate chips, and craisins. When that was thoroughly mixed, I formed it into balls and put them on a tray in the freezer. After a couple hours, the balls were completely solid so I moved them from the tray to a gallon bag and stored them that way. I would take two or three out of the freezer when I was putting away my last pump session stuff. By the time I was done washing and bagging everything, the energy bites would be soft enough to eat but still solid. They were a really tasty alternative to a bowl of oatmeal and they were cold which helped cool me down. After that initial batch, I would sometimes just make a smaller batch of the goopy mix and eat it out of the bowl instead of freezing it into balls. Still tasty and got the job done!

I know it looks nasty but this mixture is actually delicious. Don't knock it till you try it!

The last thing I tried was making smoothies with oatmeal. I tried two different flavor combinations. The first was peanut butter and banana. I used a whole banana, a scoop of peanut butter, about a half cup of peanut butter, 3/4 cup milk, a sprinkling of cocoa, and a sprinkling of cinnamon. My first night making one of these smoothies, none of my ingredients were frozen and I didn't do anything to try and chill them before drinking the smoothie. The milk was cold, but everything else was just room temperature. I think that this negatively impacted the drink=ability of the smoothie. By the last quarter cup of the smoothie, I was really struggling to get it down. Because of that, I wasn't able to stomach this combination more than the one time.

One day, I will retry this recipe with frozen ingredient and I'm sure it'll be much better. I would also probably add some more milk and even a little more cocoa.

The other smoothie flavor I tried was strawberry and banana. This time, I learned from my mistakes of the other smoothie. I didn't have the foresight to freeze any of my ingredients, but I did make the smoothie prior to my last pumping session then put it in the fridge while I pumped. This gave it about an hour to chill and that was plenty of time to get cold without getting too frozen to drink. I made this smoothie every night for about a week because it was so good. I had a carton of strawberries that I rationed to last me the whole week (by the time I got to the end of the week, my smoothies were barely berry). With the berries, I mixed half a banana, a half cup of oats, a cup of milk, and a cap-full of vanilla extract. It probably didn't need the vanilla, but I wanted to be safe. I feel like the increased amount of milk helped to cut down on some of the weird texture that the oatmeal gives the smoothie and it was also a lot thinner and easier to drink. It was seriously so good, I would drink this even when I don't have to eat oatmeal every day.

Strawberry Banana Oatmeal Smoothie = Mega Success!

Now that I'm no longer breastfeeding, I don't have to eat oatmeal everyday and that's a mini blessing all it's own. However, there are so many health benefits of oatmeal that I'll definitely maintain it as a part of my diet, if with a lower frequency.

Take Care

Self care is crucial at any time in our lives, but I would argue especially so when you've had a baby. Moms really go through the punches just to keep that little bundle of flesh alive and healthy. It starts before birth and never really seems to stop. Our little bubs come first, and sometimes we sacrifice ourselves to make that possible. My go-to self care list is very different from what it was before baby. And that's okay, the important thing is figuring out what works for you and implementing it. A little something every day can help to keep you sane when things get a little hairier.

I've been blessed enough to be doing this with the father of my baby. Usually, as soon as he walks through the door, I'm ready to hand off the baby for a little while. We both need breaks sometimes though. I've found that what we do when we need a moment for ourselves is very different, though. My husband will ask if he can go with his friends for a couple hours to play Pokemon Go (I married a dork and I love him). In contrast, I'll ask if he will watch the baby for a while so that I can shower for as long as I want, uninterrupted. He will watch the baby so that I can go to the occasional girls night or something with my friends, but most of the time I just want to do something quietly by myself.

Something that I've been trying to do more of especially lately is exercise. I'm not so much looking to get some version of a pre-baby body or anything like that. More so, I want to be the healthiest version of myself. In the past, I've gone running but I haven't been able to do that yet post-baby. Instead, I've been going walking a lot. We had some car trouble recently which has sort of forced my hand when it comes to walking, but I'm glad for it. Recently, this has meant I've had to walk to run errands around town. Earlier this week, I had a doctor's appointment in the morning and then had to pick something up at the pharmacy. After I finished there, I decided to go to the Maverik near my house for a soda. All in all, this meant walking roughly five miles by noon. I was spent, but I really felt like I had earned that tasty, tasty Dr Pepper. I also feel like there's nothing to stop me from walking for errands all the time. Until it snows, at least.

In addition to walking, I've been working on getting into a daily yoga routine. I've been a major slacker and haven't gotten this one totally figured out yet. I know, though, that this is something I'll easily be able to do with a minimal amount of effort after JJ goes to bed each night. I have a personal goal to be able to do a headstand pose by the time his first birthday rolls around. I know this means I really need to get my butt in gear though. It's important with exercises like yoga and inversions to take your time and listen to your body. Pushing myself too fast too soon could mean injuries that push back any progress I might make. And even if I don't make my goal by his birthday, I know that as long as I do start working at it I'll be so much closer then than I am now.

Once the local college resumes classes in the fall, I plan to start attending a Zumba class once a week there. I started doing this before I got pregnant and continued through the first half of my pregnancy until I got too big to be able to move around that vigorously. There's something invigorating about being able to completely focus on moving quickly to a beat. I don't worry about what I look like or how red my face gets, I just focus on staying in motion. It's really zen in a weird way.

Something that I've found is beneficial to me in addition to some type of exercise is reading. About a month before JJ was born, I signed up for a library card. And now I only have one thing that bugs me about it. Why didn't I get a library card sooner?! It's seriously wonderful. I live close enough that I can walk to the library (similar walking situation as the five miles I mentioned earlier) and they have DVDs, CDs, books for me, books for my husband, and books for my little-- and it's all free! I have a bag that we've dedicated to library books and we can check out up to 50 things at one time or something really crazy like that. It's beautiful. It's been so great having a free way to get books and read. I don't even have to feel guilty about only really reading semi-crappy cheesy romance that takes two seconds to figure out. (Side note: love me some modern romance surrounding weddings, but that's pretty niche so if you have suggestions PLEASE let me know!)

Sometimes, even with all these great plans, self care simply means I have to let my sweet baby boy cry while I go to the bathroom. I know there are moms that just take their babies with them and hold them while they go. I'm trying really hard to avoid that. I've had him in a bouncy seat or swing in the bathroom with me while I shower, but I try to keep doing my business a private affair. Even though it's just a minute or two, I let myself sit and soak up the quiet for just that brief moment. It gives me the chance to gather myself and recompose. I get to take a breather before heading back to the front lines. And sometimes that's the only self care I get in a day. I try to make sure I get other things done for myself during the day but we all have those days where our little one is extra fussy or clingy. Those days especially, I close the door and go to the bathroom all by myself. I let the fan drown out his cries just for a brief 60 seconds so that I can get my head on straight and be the mom my little boy needs. And that's okay. He will be okay for sixty seconds while I go to the bathroom. The world will not end. His world will be better because I took that minute for myself.

I Have Just Met You And I Love You

(Obviously, as this is a birth story, there are a lot of gory details. If you don't want to know all the TMI, please consider this your warning and move right along)

My sweet little boy made his way into the world entirely on his own terms. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy, but my labor by comparison was pretty breezy.

In the second half of my pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which was then managed with diet and exercise for the most part. I ended up needing to take Metformin to bring my fasting numbers into the acceptable range. Because of this, my OBGYN wanted to induce labor at 38 weeks. There's an increased risk of placental death with taking medication to manage gestational diabetes and we did not want to take any risks.

I started going to appointments twice a week in mid April for monitoring. A week before my scheduled induction, my OB started performing cervical sweeps to hopefully ease my body into the labor process. After the first sweep, I lost my mucus plug and started to experience more Braxton Hicks contractions. Originally, I was going to work right up until I gave birth, but my doctor and I agreed that it would be prudent for me to begin my leave early. 

The day before I was scheduled to be induced, I had one last appointment. By that time, I had dilated to a two on my own and was having regular, nonproductive contractions. Since things had stayed at that same point for a few days, my doctor decided to be more aggressive with the cervical sweeping. My body must have been really ready to go because that was all it took. 

I was uncomfortable after my appointment and a little bit crampy but that was par for the course. As the day progressed, the cramping got worse and worse. I spent the entire afternoon with my feet up and drinking water. My husband brought me Freddy's for dinner at my request because I had felt so crummy all day. I had a hotdog and chili cheese fries (this was a decision I almost instantly regretted). About a half hour after we finished eating, I started to experience negative side effects from the Metformin interacting with the chili fries. I think that also accelerated my experience.

After being sick a couple times, my cramps had progressed to being actual contractions. I was starting to freak out. My parents live 12 hours away and were getting ready to drive to be here for the birth and I was starting to feel like they weren't going to get here in time. I took a shower in the vain attempt to slow things down and get my body to relax enough that I would be able to get some sleep.

We went to be at about 10pm on 1 May. I could not get comfortable. The contractions were getting worse and I was starting to feel like they were almost constant. My husband was timing them without me knowing and told me they got to be about two minutes apart and we could not wait any longer to go to the hospital. 

We are very blessed to live a total of five minutes from our hospital and we were there at about 11:30pm. We had taken a birth class weeks before which had included a hospital tour so we knew exactly where to go to check in. When we got to Labor and Delivery, I found out I had dilated to a three throughout the course of the day. The nurse had me walk around for two half-hour increments to ensure that my labor was actually progressing enough to admit me. 

During this hour, my contractions started to get stronger. The majority of the pain was occurring in my lower spine. By the end of the hour, my legs were starting to go out from under me when contractions would come on. The nurse checked me and I had progressed to a 3.5 during that time. She said they were going to call my doctor (who was, very thankfully, working in the ER that night) to see if he felt I should be admitted. She was back within five minutes to get me in a room. That was about 1am.

Immediately, the nurse had the anesthesiologist come to give me an epidural. Let me tell you. I was worried about getting an epidural because you hear all these horror stories about birth and epidurals. That thing was magical. Typically, I need to watch when I'm being given an injection. It helps me cope with the pain of the needle. Since this was in my back, there was no way for me to watch the injection. The anesthesiologist was a super pro, though, and he talked me through the whole thing. He timed the actual epidural with a contraction so I didn't feel it at all.

While he was working on getting the epidural just right, Rusty held my hand to help me through the contraction pain. The nurse had brought him a chair so that I could look at him and stay in the right position for the epidural. He told me to squeeze his hand as hard as I could to help with the pain. I nearly broke his hand, guys. He still had his wedding ring on and I was squeezing hard enough that it was hurting him. The nurse had to work really hard to open my hands enough to be able to get his ring off and relieve his hands a little bit. 

Thankfully, the epidural worked very quickly. Once they had me layed back down, I was able to rest for a few hours. They would come and check my vitals and everything about once an hour to make sure things were still progressing. At about 4:30am, I was dilated to a six and they had my doctor come to break my water. From there, things moved even quicker.

Shortly after 5am, the nurses told me it was time to push. They had Rusty hold one of my legs to help me and the nurse held my other leg. She told me how to push and had me practice a couple times. All of the nurses that helped me said they were impressed with how quickly I picked up on what I needed to do as a first time mom.

After a couple pushes, I started to dry heave. They gave me a bag in case I puked, but all it did was cause the baby to crown. One of the nurses ran to call the doctor in while the other nurse tried to reposition me on my side and told me to take short, shallow breaths and to not push. That was like a bad joke. There's basically nothing you can do to make your body stop once you reach that point. The nurse also gave me some oxygen at this point to help me breath (I barely remember that part though).

Once my doctor came in (thankfully just a minute or two later), it was just a couple more pushes until my beautiful boy entered the world. In every ultrasound we had, our baby had his hand right by his face. Birth was unfortunately no exception. This caused a small, second degree tear which my doctor was able to stitch up with no problem. I think the tear was also caused because of how quickly things progressed but that's just me.

After pushing a total of 30 minutes, I felt every emotion all at once. I was holding my baby and fighting back tears and laughter simultaneously. Rusty cut the cord and the nurses gave our sweet boy a quick wipe down. I just held him for as long as they would let me. I was so tired but so invigorated all at the same time. I fed him and had french toast for the first time in five months. It was beautiful.

Jacob J Sarsozo was born at exactly 5:58am, a mere six and a half hours after I checked into the hospital. He weighed 6lb7oz and was 17 inches long. He had a full head of brown, curly hair. He's got all his fingers and all his toes. And I could not be more in love with him.

In the early afternoon, my parents would arrive in time for JJ's first bath. I so wish that circumstances had been just a smidge different so that my mom could have been there to help me during the birth, but I was so incredibly happy that they were able to be there at all. Plus they brought me a soda and that just sweetened the deal.

Below is the first picture I took of my little family. My two boys. I feel weepy whenever I look at it and I probably always will. There is so much love in this picture. These two are my everything and I don't want to know a world without them. The night of 1 May to 2 May was the hardest night of my life and it was completely worth every second. I have no regrets. Except maybe those chili fries.

Rainbows

Image source: http://www.lovethispic.com/blog/13177/the-beautiful-meaning-behind-%26lsquo%3Brainbow-babies%27--amp%3B-why-they-are-so-special

Before conceiving my sweet Jacob, my husband and I were trying to get pregnant for roughly a year. It was not a smooth and easy process; in fact, it was one of the most emotionally difficult things I have done.

We decided it was time to start trying to have a baby in October 2016. This was a lot sooner than we had originally planned on trying to get pregnant, but timing-wise it felt right to us. We didn't tell anyone that we were trying either; we thought it would be best to just wait and see what happened. That first month, I wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away but I was surprised at how emotional and disappointed when my period came like clockwork.

In December, my period was about a week and a half late. I took probably half a dozen pregnancy tests in that time, but they all were negative. When I did get my period, I had some of the worst cramps I had ever felt in my life and bled much harder than I had in a very long time. At the moment, I chalked it up to just getting the birth control out of my system (I'll come back to this).

Over the next few months, I kept working to better my health in attempts to make it easier to get pregnant. I worked out regularly, drank more water, and watched what I ate. I even downloaded an app to help track my cycles and symptoms- Ovia Fertility. This app was a huge help to me throughout this entire process. Besides the calendar that helped me troubleshoot when I should expect my period and when I was most likely ovulating, there is an open forum where you can actually discuss any questions you have with other real users who are going through the same thing. There's a lot of lingo that goes with trying to get pregnant (my favorite is baby dust- this is something you say to someone as a sort of good luck sentiment that they'll get pregnant") so after learning all the different language like BFP is big, fat positive and DH is darling husband, I felt like I had a built in support system in the palm of my hand when I was keeping this part of my life so secret from everyone else around me.

Then in April, my period was late again. This time, I was positive I was pregnant. I took a couple pregnancy tests and had some faint positive lines, but I could just feel it in my heart that this was it. This was my baby. I called my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for the following Saturday so that I wouldn't have to miss any work.

Exactly one week before my appointment, we went out shopping at a sidewalk sale with some friends and then went out to dinner. Kristy was my first roommate when I went away to college a million years ago, and our husbands have become good friends since Rusty and I moved back to Rexburg. We decided to tell them our news even though it was so early still. They were super excited for us and Kristy was going to help me come up with a fun way to tell our parents.

Then, that night, I had some cramps. I was worried about it, but I had read enough that I knew some people have light cramping when they're first pregnant so I tried to put it out of my mind. The next morning was a week before Mother's Day 2017. I woke up and went to the bathroom, then showered like I normally would to get ready for church. When I got out of the shower, I felt more cramping but far more intense. These were about what I felt back in December. I sat down and realized I had heavy bleeding and clotting. I was miscarrying our baby.

I stayed home that day and just cried all day long. I felt like a failure. I kept thinking that the Dr Pepper I had the night before at dinner must have done it. I was so careful before that and I knew that caffeine can cause problems in early fetal development so obviously it was all my fault. I did this to myself.

I foolishly went to work the next day like nothing had happened. It was the most difficult day I've had at any job. I couldn't keep it together and my coworkers could tell something was going on. I texted Kristy and told her what had happened. I kept my doctor's appointment for Saturday in case I needed to do something.

I talked to my mom as well. I told her what had happened and she helped me to understand it wasn't my fault, that I didn't cause it. She told me that, unfortunately, this is something that almost every woman will go through while trying to get pregnant.

The doctor on Saturday told me the same thing. He said that early miscarriages like the one I had gone through were very common and that they probably happen more than doctors even know because women think they just got their period really late (like I did in December). He gave me the go-ahead to keep trying and said that, in six months, if I still hadn't gotten pregnant that I should come and talk to them again.

I was pretty depressed after all of this. For the entire month of May, I struggled to get my head on straight. My heart just wasn't in anything. I felt like everything was pointless, and I felt so alone. I stopped taking care of myself and put on a lot of weight. For that month, I didn't want to do anything because it all felt pointless.

I don't know what pulled me out of my slump, but I started to get back into all the little things I was doing before to try and get pregnant. Something the doctor said was sticking in my mind and filled me with a new determination. He said, "Now we know you can get pregnant, so you just have to do it again."

The first weekend in August, we traveled home to Colorado for a wedding and to visit with family. I had started to think maybe I was pregnant again but it was still way too early to know for certain. I wasn't even expecting my period for a few days. I did get my period that weekend, and at the time I was devastated all over again. I had felt so sure I was pregnant. I just used it as an excuse to drink all the soda I wanted that weekend and I decided I wasn't going to dwell on it and just enjoy the time with family. Rusty and I both had a sort of summer bug when we got home from our short trip and it took us a week or so to get back on our feet.

I couldn't really seem to shake it, though. I just felt off. The beginning of September, my period never came. I quietly, without telling Rusty, purchased a pregnancy test. I waited until my period was a full two weeks late before I took the test. When I took it, I set it down on the bathroom counter where I couldn't look at it until five minutes had passed. I have felt the sting of how quickly those things come up negative too much for my own liking and just wanted to put off what I was sure was the inevitable.

Well, it was positive. It was the only time in my life I've actually had a positive pregnancy test. And it was definitely positive, it wasn't kind of positive like some of the ones I had taken before. I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked, I felt numb. I immediately set it back down on the counter and decided I would just leave it there for Rusty to find and that would be how I would tell him.

It still didn't feel real a week later when I went to the doctor again to confirm the pregnancy. I was 7 weeks pregnant then. The doctor helped me schedule an appointment with my OBGYN for a few weeks later when I was 12 weeks pregnant. At first, we had decided we wouldn't tell anyone till after that first OB appointment. Well, we royally failed that. Kristy helped me send our parents each a little pair of booties with a note that said "Our family is growing by two little feet, May 2018." My mom then posted it to Facebook and the cat was definitely out of the bag.

It didn't feel real to me until that first OB appointment. The doctor performed an ultrasound and we were able to see our little bean and hear his little heartbeat for the first time. I felt so much relief. It was real. He was real. It was all happening.

Throughout my pregnancy, I constantly worried that something was going to happen and I would lose this baby like I had before. I made pretend deadlines in my head constantly. If I could just make it to the second trimester, then 20 weeks, then 32 weeks. I still check on JJ every night before I go to bed to make sure he's still breathing. I'm still so afraid of losing him. I don't think that fear will ever totally go away.

I don't think that we as a society talk about this type of loss and fear enough. I know, statistically, women have miscarriages all the time. I've been in a couple support groups and I know that there are a lot of us that choose to suffer in silence. I also know that when I broke my silence and started to talk more about what I had gone through among my peers that I no longer felt as alone. We need to be there for each other. It's a difficult enough thing to deal with without keeping it secret on top of everything else.

To anyone who reads this, if you're going through or have gone through something similar, I hope you know that it's not your fault. You didn't cause your loss. As much as it hurts and as awful as it is, you did not do anything to make it happen. And I promise you that one day you will get your rainbow after this storm. And there will never be a more beautiful rainbow.

This Is Me Now

My name is Eliza. I was named after strong women who came before me. My parents raised me and my two younger sisters to be strong, well-spoken, and independent women. I haven't always been the best daughter to them (is anyone actually a decent human at the age of 17?) but I hope to make up for some of that throughout the remainder of  my life as I've grown to be friends with both my mother and my father.

I like to say I grew up in Illinois, but I've lived in several states at this point and not one of them for any longer amount of time than the others. In total, I lived in Southern California for about 10 years, Colorado for about six or seven years on and off, Idaho for 10 years on and off, and Illinois for 10 years as well. My husband and I met and married in Denver Colorado and currently live in Eastern Idaho while he goes to school. Once he's finished here, we plan to move somewhere in Utah. I'm hoping for somewhere close to Salt Lake City.

I enjoy music, reading, and being creative. I've played piano since I was about 9 years old and was involved in choir and theater throughout my high school career. I grew up with my dad quizzing me on the classic rock songs that would play on the radio. He's big into punk and first wave music which has been a big influence on my own tastes. Living all over the place has also had some influence on my music taste. California and Denver had the most alternative music available to easily listen to which is my main genre of choice. In the last couple years, I've started to rely more on the internet since the radio in this part of Idaho is lacking to say the least. Because of that, my tastes have started to include more Broadway.

I've tried my hand at lots of different crafts and I've liked all of them so far. I like to say I'm a jack of all trades but master of none when it comes to crafting. I've done some crocheting, some sewing, some scrapbooking, some refurbishing, and most recently some lettering.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (read: Mormon). My faith has become an integral part of me especially in the last few years. I met my husband because of my church activity and plan to raise my new son in the church as well.

My husband and I were married 4 June 2016 in Denver Colorado. Our wedding was a fairytale and our marriage has been a rollercoaster. We've dealt with at least our share of struggles and not every day is sunshine and rainbows. He is such a blessing in my life though and I love him to pieces.

My son was born 2 May 2018 at 5:58am and my life was instantly changed forever. It was not an easy pregnancy, dealing with both hyperemesis gravidarum and gestational diabetes. In contrast, my labor and delivery were pretty smooth and easy. I've been blessed enough to be able to stay home with my little bub these first few months of his life, but I'll also be a working mama before too long yet. Staying home with him is amazing but if my hair weren't falling out by the pound postpartum, I would probably pull it all out some days. Notwithstanding, I'm already so head over heels for this little boy; I don't have the words.

I'm still so new to mom-ing and I barely feel like I'm any better at being a wife. I've started this blog because maybe there's somebody out there like me who just wants to know somebody else gets it. I'm just going one day at a time trying to figure out how to be Wife, Mama, and Me.