Rainbows

Image source: http://www.lovethispic.com/blog/13177/the-beautiful-meaning-behind-%26lsquo%3Brainbow-babies%27--amp%3B-why-they-are-so-special

Before conceiving my sweet Jacob, my husband and I were trying to get pregnant for roughly a year. It was not a smooth and easy process; in fact, it was one of the most emotionally difficult things I have done.

We decided it was time to start trying to have a baby in October 2016. This was a lot sooner than we had originally planned on trying to get pregnant, but timing-wise it felt right to us. We didn't tell anyone that we were trying either; we thought it would be best to just wait and see what happened. That first month, I wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away but I was surprised at how emotional and disappointed when my period came like clockwork.

In December, my period was about a week and a half late. I took probably half a dozen pregnancy tests in that time, but they all were negative. When I did get my period, I had some of the worst cramps I had ever felt in my life and bled much harder than I had in a very long time. At the moment, I chalked it up to just getting the birth control out of my system (I'll come back to this).

Over the next few months, I kept working to better my health in attempts to make it easier to get pregnant. I worked out regularly, drank more water, and watched what I ate. I even downloaded an app to help track my cycles and symptoms- Ovia Fertility. This app was a huge help to me throughout this entire process. Besides the calendar that helped me troubleshoot when I should expect my period and when I was most likely ovulating, there is an open forum where you can actually discuss any questions you have with other real users who are going through the same thing. There's a lot of lingo that goes with trying to get pregnant (my favorite is baby dust- this is something you say to someone as a sort of good luck sentiment that they'll get pregnant") so after learning all the different language like BFP is big, fat positive and DH is darling husband, I felt like I had a built in support system in the palm of my hand when I was keeping this part of my life so secret from everyone else around me.

Then in April, my period was late again. This time, I was positive I was pregnant. I took a couple pregnancy tests and had some faint positive lines, but I could just feel it in my heart that this was it. This was my baby. I called my doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for the following Saturday so that I wouldn't have to miss any work.

Exactly one week before my appointment, we went out shopping at a sidewalk sale with some friends and then went out to dinner. Kristy was my first roommate when I went away to college a million years ago, and our husbands have become good friends since Rusty and I moved back to Rexburg. We decided to tell them our news even though it was so early still. They were super excited for us and Kristy was going to help me come up with a fun way to tell our parents.

Then, that night, I had some cramps. I was worried about it, but I had read enough that I knew some people have light cramping when they're first pregnant so I tried to put it out of my mind. The next morning was a week before Mother's Day 2017. I woke up and went to the bathroom, then showered like I normally would to get ready for church. When I got out of the shower, I felt more cramping but far more intense. These were about what I felt back in December. I sat down and realized I had heavy bleeding and clotting. I was miscarrying our baby.

I stayed home that day and just cried all day long. I felt like a failure. I kept thinking that the Dr Pepper I had the night before at dinner must have done it. I was so careful before that and I knew that caffeine can cause problems in early fetal development so obviously it was all my fault. I did this to myself.

I foolishly went to work the next day like nothing had happened. It was the most difficult day I've had at any job. I couldn't keep it together and my coworkers could tell something was going on. I texted Kristy and told her what had happened. I kept my doctor's appointment for Saturday in case I needed to do something.

I talked to my mom as well. I told her what had happened and she helped me to understand it wasn't my fault, that I didn't cause it. She told me that, unfortunately, this is something that almost every woman will go through while trying to get pregnant.

The doctor on Saturday told me the same thing. He said that early miscarriages like the one I had gone through were very common and that they probably happen more than doctors even know because women think they just got their period really late (like I did in December). He gave me the go-ahead to keep trying and said that, in six months, if I still hadn't gotten pregnant that I should come and talk to them again.

I was pretty depressed after all of this. For the entire month of May, I struggled to get my head on straight. My heart just wasn't in anything. I felt like everything was pointless, and I felt so alone. I stopped taking care of myself and put on a lot of weight. For that month, I didn't want to do anything because it all felt pointless.

I don't know what pulled me out of my slump, but I started to get back into all the little things I was doing before to try and get pregnant. Something the doctor said was sticking in my mind and filled me with a new determination. He said, "Now we know you can get pregnant, so you just have to do it again."

The first weekend in August, we traveled home to Colorado for a wedding and to visit with family. I had started to think maybe I was pregnant again but it was still way too early to know for certain. I wasn't even expecting my period for a few days. I did get my period that weekend, and at the time I was devastated all over again. I had felt so sure I was pregnant. I just used it as an excuse to drink all the soda I wanted that weekend and I decided I wasn't going to dwell on it and just enjoy the time with family. Rusty and I both had a sort of summer bug when we got home from our short trip and it took us a week or so to get back on our feet.

I couldn't really seem to shake it, though. I just felt off. The beginning of September, my period never came. I quietly, without telling Rusty, purchased a pregnancy test. I waited until my period was a full two weeks late before I took the test. When I took it, I set it down on the bathroom counter where I couldn't look at it until five minutes had passed. I have felt the sting of how quickly those things come up negative too much for my own liking and just wanted to put off what I was sure was the inevitable.

Well, it was positive. It was the only time in my life I've actually had a positive pregnancy test. And it was definitely positive, it wasn't kind of positive like some of the ones I had taken before. I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked, I felt numb. I immediately set it back down on the counter and decided I would just leave it there for Rusty to find and that would be how I would tell him.

It still didn't feel real a week later when I went to the doctor again to confirm the pregnancy. I was 7 weeks pregnant then. The doctor helped me schedule an appointment with my OBGYN for a few weeks later when I was 12 weeks pregnant. At first, we had decided we wouldn't tell anyone till after that first OB appointment. Well, we royally failed that. Kristy helped me send our parents each a little pair of booties with a note that said "Our family is growing by two little feet, May 2018." My mom then posted it to Facebook and the cat was definitely out of the bag.

It didn't feel real to me until that first OB appointment. The doctor performed an ultrasound and we were able to see our little bean and hear his little heartbeat for the first time. I felt so much relief. It was real. He was real. It was all happening.

Throughout my pregnancy, I constantly worried that something was going to happen and I would lose this baby like I had before. I made pretend deadlines in my head constantly. If I could just make it to the second trimester, then 20 weeks, then 32 weeks. I still check on JJ every night before I go to bed to make sure he's still breathing. I'm still so afraid of losing him. I don't think that fear will ever totally go away.

I don't think that we as a society talk about this type of loss and fear enough. I know, statistically, women have miscarriages all the time. I've been in a couple support groups and I know that there are a lot of us that choose to suffer in silence. I also know that when I broke my silence and started to talk more about what I had gone through among my peers that I no longer felt as alone. We need to be there for each other. It's a difficult enough thing to deal with without keeping it secret on top of everything else.

To anyone who reads this, if you're going through or have gone through something similar, I hope you know that it's not your fault. You didn't cause your loss. As much as it hurts and as awful as it is, you did not do anything to make it happen. And I promise you that one day you will get your rainbow after this storm. And there will never be a more beautiful rainbow.